Addiction and Attachment: What We’re Really Reaching For

For many people, addiction is not simply about substances or behaviours. It is about longing. It is about the ache for something dependable, soothing, and present. Beneath the alcohol or the food or the screen lies something much older and more tender. A need that was not met. When we begin to view addiction through the lens of attachment, something softens. Something makes sense.

Addiction as a Substitute Attachment

As children, we are wired for connection. We rely on our caregivers to co-regulate us — to soothe our fear, hold our sadness, and respond to our needs. When that doesn’t happen consistently, the nervous system learns to fend for itself.

For some, the body adapts by shutting down. For others, the mind begins searching for anything that feels even remotely like comfort. And when a child learns that comfort is not always safe or available, they may one day find it in a bottle of wine. Or a tub of ice cream. Or the momentary stillness that comes after another binge.

These patterns are not weakness. They are adaptations. They are how the body survives emotional loneliness.

Why It’s Not Just a Habit

By the time we meet the adult who drinks every night or cannot stop eating in secret, the behaviour has often become a ritual. A reliable routine that steps in where safe relationship once should have been.

It is not simply about the wine. It is about the way the wine never judges you. The way it always shows up. The way it closes the door on a long day.

It is not simply about the food. It is about how the food fills the silence. How it distracts from the ache. How it never leaves.

That is why traditional advice to just “stop” often falls flat. You are not just asking someone to break a habit. You are asking them to break an emotional bond. To give up the one thing that has felt predictable in a world that often was not.

The Grief of Letting Go

Many people in recovery experience a strange grief. They are relieved to be free, yes. But there is also a sorrow. Because addiction, for all its damage, was also a form of relationship.

And like any relationship that has served a purpose, it can feel hard to say goodbye. Even when we know it has hurt us. Even when we know we are ready.

Moving Toward True Connection

Healing begins when we stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and start asking, “What happened to me?”

When we understand that the wine was a comforter, not just a substance. That the food was a friend, not just a calorie count. That the scrolling, the gambling, the shopping — were each trying to fill an absence they could never fully satisfy.

Recovery is not just about stopping the behaviour. It is about finding new ways to be held. To feel safe. To be seen.

Sometimes that looks like therapy. Sometimes it is a gentle voice inside you saying, “I am here. I see you. I will not leave.”

If you or someone you love is trying to break free from an addictive pattern, try not to focus only on the behaviour. Look at the bond underneath it.

Ask what role it played. Ask what it tried to soothe. And then begin the brave work of finding something, or someone, more enduring, more alive, more human to take its place.

Because in the end, addiction is not just about what we do. It is about what we needed.

And it is never too late to give that to ourselves.